Dear Madonna,

You really are a minx. First you don't answer my letters. Then you persist in leaving your leg in the air at Louis Vuitton. Somehow you even made one of the models wear your skirt-that-used-to-be-a-fraggle. But I digress.

You see, I write for a different reason. I am sorry for you that you can't have the child you want. I know you must feel bad--but doesn't it disconcert you slightly that the child actually has a family in the town from which you would like her removed? Does it disconcert you slightly that Malawi seems to rather concerned about rich white ladies with britishy accents absconding with their youth?

I'm not saying that you are being tacky this time, but as ABT recently mentioned, I'm appreciating the awkwardness of this situation and how it would not have developed had you called Angelina and asked her how she so seamlessly obtains children from foreign lands.

Please put your leg down now.

Sincerely,

TP

What did I tell you about hats?

Easter in the South is quite an affair (isn't everything?) which usually involves massive church services, sisters in matching dresses, gloves, bow ties, and of course hats. It's tacky-meets-classy central.

As I got dressed for church myself this past Sunday, I was actually sad that I wasn't back home. Instead, I expected that even though I am Episcopalian (and thus services are fairly traditional) the service would have none of the fanfare in the congregation that I've come to love on fine spring Sunday mornings.

I was SO disappointed I left my camera at home. (But really, had I brought it - I could have blogged on myself)

There, two rows back, on the other side of the aisle was the greatest hat in the history of Easter Sundays. An otherwise simple hat, really, but all around the brim were bright purple daises and then (the piece de resistance if you will) on top was a bird's nest with BRIGHT blue and purple Easter eggs.

Ma'am, you are no Aretha Franklin. Not quite tacky-meets-classy, just tacky.

On a side note, I felt slightly bad for judging while actually IN church. My friend sitting next to me, witnessing my sighting and then subsequent guilt, reminded me that we were APPRECIATING, not judging...

Wedding Week! (Part III: Freeloaders!)

Have you seen Wedding Crashers? If not, add that to your NetFlix list right now! We all know that there are those people who love to go to weddings - you get to dress up, dance around, eat what is usually an amazing meal, and all you have to do is tell the couple how happy and beautiful the world is with their love in it. Oh, and the booze is usually free flowing.

However, crashing weddings for the good times is tacky. What's even worse is asking the bride and groom to essentially provide a party for your friends.

At the recently attended wedding, the combined five children of the happy couple are all twenty-somethings. Two each invited a date and a family friend. Classy - we're sharing in the day, celebrating, dancing... and genuinely want to be part of the day. The other three... well, let's just say they had a combined TWENTY something guests of their own. This means that the happy couple shelved out AT MINIMUM nearly fifteen hundred dollars for their kids' friends to party.

Asking your parents to throw you a party on their big day? Tacky.

Wedding Week! (Part II: Guest Attire)

What is this? I think I can kinda see where her train of thought was going... "I know, I'll wear a lovely floral print to this spring wedding. And the skirt just isn't enough - we'll do the top, too."

But the end effect? There were more flowers on this dress than there were in the whole wedding. Just like you don't wear a jean jacket with the same tone jeans (ew, denim sandwich) you should also not wear the same print blouse with the same print skirt. It's tacky, you look like you've been attacked by fabric, and people like me point out how awkward you look.

Wedding Week! (Part I: Tats are nasty)

Fine, we've been slacking - but now we're back with a vengeance to cover all things tacky! And I now have excellent fodder for a week's worth of writing as I attended the pinnacle of classy meets tacky this last weekend: a wedding.

No names will be provided, but there will be a picture or two.

Let's start out with a clearly obvious element of tack: tattoos. Sure, they seem like a good idea at the time - you're young, you're wild, you're free - but ladies, one day you will be asked to put on an elegant bridesmaid dress, and no one wants to see that nasty tat you thought was awesome when you were 19. Exhibit A: angle wings? Seriously?



The best part about this photo is that all the bridesmaids were told to wear the accompanying shawl SPECIFICALLY to cover the nasty tat in the church, and here we see it - full on exposure.

Tacky. Tacky. Tacky.

Tacky wrapped in plastic...

TP and I made a recent getaway down to New York City, and let me tell you - that's a great city for spotting both America's classiest and tackiest citizens.

Prime example of classy: museum goers. TP and I ventured to the MOMA during their Friday night open hours and were both so impressed with how many people really embraced the opportunity to see some fantastic art. I was observing a wonderful piece by Seurat when I encountered the other extreme however...

Tacky: synthetic, plastic attire. I'm not even sure what was going on here. It seemed to be a pleather purse slung over a plastic-rubber-shiny-parka thing. I mean - what's going on there? First of all, the whole thing created this kinda plastic glare which is VERY distracting when you're trying to look at art (or really, just do anything...) and it also kept making that noise that plastic makes when it rubs plastic.

Just crazy... and tacky... but amusing, nonetheless...

International Tack!

Maybe the blogging has been a little light recently, but with good reason! It's Spring Break 2009!

Now, the economy has kept the scale of the getaways smaller than prior years, but have no fear - you can find tack wherever you go.

For example, during a family trip to Washington, D.C., my mother and I paid a visit to the very classy, very awesome Newseum. However, even in the most interesting of places you are bound to find some tack. Exhibit A (if you will) is this international theater director who gave a talk on a production of Richard III set in modern day Baghdad. Sounds pretty classy, right? Pretty intellectual? Well... allow me to introduce the wardrobe:



What is going on here? Is that a black and brown STRIPPED shirt paired with a black and brown POLKA DOTTED jacket? Seriously? I mean, I know he's foreign. And I know he's involved in theater. But...

It's still tacky.