Dear Madonna,

You really are a minx. First you don't answer my letters. Then you persist in leaving your leg in the air at Louis Vuitton. Somehow you even made one of the models wear your skirt-that-used-to-be-a-fraggle. But I digress.

You see, I write for a different reason. I am sorry for you that you can't have the child you want. I know you must feel bad--but doesn't it disconcert you slightly that the child actually has a family in the town from which you would like her removed? Does it disconcert you slightly that Malawi seems to rather concerned about rich white ladies with britishy accents absconding with their youth?

I'm not saying that you are being tacky this time, but as ABT recently mentioned, I'm appreciating the awkwardness of this situation and how it would not have developed had you called Angelina and asked her how she so seamlessly obtains children from foreign lands.

Please put your leg down now.

Sincerely,

TP