One Classy (First) Lady

FANTASTIC! BRILLIANT! OUTSTANDING! I'm speaking, of course, of Michelle Obama's recently released portrait. I can't say enough about this classy lady, so, of course, I'm going to try:

1. She looks great. Pearls? Check. American designer? Check (Michael Kors, and BTW I suspect we wear the same size, so Mr. Kors if you need someone to wear the extra clothes you made for Mrs. Obama, I'll pinch hit). Super fab first lady arms? Check and check.

2. She's a good mom. Her kids seem nice, she dresses them in J.Crew, and most certainly has taught them not to be dependant on a man (I presume, as she was the big earner for a long time, and the mainstay parent while Mr. Prez was winning the White House).

3. She's smart. Like seriously smart. Like move-things-with-her-mind-(myfavorite) Ivy League(s)-educated-while-appropriately-accessorizing-while-backseat-driving-the-country-Smart. I dig that. Also, she's not smart-crazy (yes, I'm speaking of you Phyllis Schafley), or smart-foul mouthed, or smart-loose cannon (you know who you are Samantha Power).

4. This lady is classy. Madonna, take note.

Mrs. Ex-Richie, I don't think you got the message.

Madonna,

Hi, its TP again, we spoke yesterday. I passed your LV ad again. I know you need me to love you, but I just can't. Please stop asking and put your leg down.

K? Thanks. Bye.

TP

P.S. Also, it is a little bit tacky to be shamelessly plugging obscenely expensive clothes in a recession. If you could convince Mr. Jacobs to sell me the black raincoat with pink lining and scalloped sleeves at an 80% discount, I might change my mind. (That was tacky too, but worth a try).

Open Letter to Madonna

Dear Madonna,

You've been fierce your whole life. I'm sure that as a small child you bedazzled your Osh Kosh B'Gosh's so that you were the only kid in the neighborhood with beaded overalls. I know you've been fierce since 1981. You've made a career out of 'reinventing yourself' and selling it.

Because of your nearly three decades of awesomeness, of transcending tack, it pains me to say this: Please put on some pants. It's not that you don't have the body of a weightlifting gazelle--you do. It's not that I can't see your toned hamstrings through your fishnets and see through skirts -- I can. It's just that, as I walked by your ad, posted ten feet high in the window of the Louis Vuitton store, all I could think was: This woman wants attention.

You see, it takes some class to age gracefully (see: Meryl Streep). As women get older, they don't need to be any less fierce to stay on the classy side of the line, they just need to modify their approaches. So when I see you in fishnets, no pants, one platformed-stillettoes-tasseled toe pointing in the air while you rest lightly on a restaurant chair a la Jennifer Beals in Flashdance, I think that you are moving towards the tacky side of the line. Jennifer Beals didn't wear pants too often either -- she was also in her early 20s and hadn't yet had a child, a documentary about sex, or a legal battle over an adorable African quasi-orphan.

So Madonna, please move back toward the classy side of the line and bare those phonebook-tearing arms -- but please please, put on some trousers.

Love,

TP

P.S. Did Marc Jacobs kill a Fraggle to get your skirt/undies/hotpants? I'm not sure that Meryl would wear separates that used to be a Jim Henson character. Just saying. Not judging (this time).

Maybe it just doesn't matter

Dear Guy who went to his locker in the gym hallway in only a towel:

If you did it because you think you're that hot and you want to show off, that's some tacky behavior, sir.

If you did it because you left your clothes in your locker while showering and had no other option, I commend your classy bravery.

Either way - thank you. You made my work out and my morning (and possibly my life) that much more amazing.

XXOO,

ABT

I'd rather ask forgiveness than permission?

There's gonna be some good posting soon... as we speak Oscars are being given out to beautiful people and people are delivering classy/tacky acceptance speeches while adorned in classy/tacky attire. Only time (and TP's analysis) will tell who pulled off what and who didn't.

In the meanwhile, there's some tacky behavior brewing in the local locker room. While I was running yesterday someone took my shampoo and conditioner (which I left out of my locker while I worked out), used them, and then LEFT them in the shower.

This was tacky.

Here's what the shampoo-stealer could have done to not be a heinous tacky actor:
1. She could have not taken my shampoo period. I mean, it's sitting with my shoes neatly stacked under my locker. Clearly it belonged to someone.

2. She could have borrowed it and put it back. I understand - no one wants to be gross all day just because they left their shampoo at home.

3. She could have left a note. This would have been totally classy - sticky note: "Dear friend. I needed shampoo and borrowed yours. You made my day. Thanks!" TP and I are big fans of the thank you note - in any variety.

Instead - she used and abused. Truly tacky behavior.

Inappropriate Spirit Wear

I've always been into school spirit in this really cheesy way. Voted "Most Spirited" member of my high school graduating class, I could cheer on our pathetic football team no matter how often they disappointed others. In an earlier post, I discussed that I attended a large "football school" in the South for my undergraduate degree, and here I felt at home. How great is it to be perfectly classy to wear a t-shirt with your school's logo on it nearly every day? Totally acceptable.

But ladies and gentlemen... there is a line between school spirit (classy - maybe even at times tacky turned classy) and TRASH. And Victoria's Secret has gone far beyond into no man's land.

Allow me to introduce the Pink "Collegiate Line" - now, not everything is terrible. The hoodies, sweatpants, and flip flops seem like fine, every day spirit wear. The type you could always get at your school bookstore.

What blows my mind are the panties and above all else the swimwear. I mean, SERIOUSLY? What is that thing?

Now, confession, I do wear special underwear on Game Day. Yes, it does correspond to school colors and yes, I am superstitious about it. However, this is just TACKY.

When I first found this I immediately pointed it out to TP who made another important observation. Her alma mater (a nice, classy joint part of this little thing we refer to as the Ivy League) had apparently taken the classy road out and is not represented in the VS collection. In fact the majority of schools that are come from either the South or the Midwest and have large followings of fans who are not actually alum or students.

This leads to quick gripe on which I will end this post:

How do tacky, trashy fans who can't even get INTO my alma mater keep making it look so tacky and trashy?

Happy Valentine's Day! Celebrate without TACK!

Oh Valentine's Day... here you are again. People love you, people hate you, and yet you keep coming back. Obviously, there are some strong opinions about Valentine's Day out there. Plenty of Anti-V'Day parties both for singles and couples, but then again... I think I'll just wear a pink sweater and eat some conversation hearts for good measure.

Like any other holiday that involves the suggestion of gift giving, V'Day is often marked by some tacky behavior. I could write pages on how a fifteen dollar hot pink bear from CVS is a tacky gift, but instead I want to focus on something that came up twice in conversation about gift yesterday among my friends:

It is tacky for women to expect gifts of jewelry that their significant others can not afford.

In turn, it is very classy to accept small tokens now and build on that in the future of your relationship.

My conversations on this topic yesterday included a story of a girl telling their boyfriend to "get another credit card" to finance an engagement ring. Tacky. Then again, there is the couple who have a very modest engagement ring even though the girl's family have given her very expensive jewlery her whole life. Pretty classy.

So ladies, even if you have champagne taste, maybe remember what Valentine's Day is supposed to be about (candy and Hallmark Cards... I mean Love!!) and avoid the tack.

How to not be tacky while at a Sporting Event (Part I)

I love sports. I'm a huge sports fan, and I was even voted "Most Spirited" of my graduating high school class. I can pretty much cheer for any team, any sports event, any time. I also recognize that there are certain rules of order to being a sports spectator. For example, having attended a big Southern University, I recognize that sometimes pearls, high heals, and black and red cocktail dresses are "sports" attire. Other times full out body paint is what is called for by all senses of propriety.

So when do you know if you're being a tacky spectator when there's such a range of acceptability?

Well, for starters - look around. Where are you? If you're in a stadium full of Red & Black, Purple & Gold, or any other sea of two-color dedication save for you in a day-glow sweater... well, if the tack fits...

Or, if you're at a high school hockey game and you come dressed full on fur...
my dear, tacky. And here's why: while I have put on pearls and kitten heels to watch sweaty men run around a field, it was appropriate. But when you're the only one dressed up (and you're not even in a team color!) you're just being tacky. And snobby. You may think you're classy, but the only message you're sending is that you're too good for the game.

Don't ever disrespect the game.

So find yourself a fleece in your kids' team colors and start cheering, lady!

And wearing a dead animal all around you is tacky all the time, any ways...

In honor of V'Day

I love love. In honor Valentine's Day (which will almost certainly provide much fodder for discussion here at OtoO), I thought I'd take a moment to write about one of the many possibilities for tacky when it comes to romantic moments.

I'm an absolute romantic who falls for cheesy lines every time. I think there is nothing more fun than walking around holding hands or having any of those other perfect moments of being in love. I think it's cute when you see old couples out on dates, and it always makes me smile to see the world happy and in love. (Okay, so maybe not right after a break up - but usually, I'm pretty romantic...).

HOWEVER - excessive PDA is TACKY TACKY TACKY. See above for descriptions of exhibiting your feelings of affection when in public. Holding hands, the occasional kiss (even the really serious kind), flirting - all okay.

But it crosses the line when I start to get a sense of how your sex life is. No one wants to see you GROPE your partner. No one wants to see tongue while you're kissing at a restaurant. I certainly do not want to hear you moan on public transportation.

Spread the love. NOT the tack.

Sticky Tack

Bad breath is bad manners, and I fully encourage all remedial action, but what could be tackier than the open-mouthed snapping of your gum?

I once heard Oprah talk about how she wouldn't let anyone with chewing gum into her house as a guest. Oprah, I love you. I might not go that far, but I absolutely get where you're coming from.

I mean - have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who chews gum with their mouth part-way open, snap, snap, snapping away? It's like watching a cow chew cud. And you can't stop staring... And then, oh and then, there is the playing with your gum. Why on earth would you think it's attractive or sexy to pull out something you're CHEWING with your finger in the middle of public? It's nasty and tacky.

So ladies and gentlemen, by all means - chew some gum. Freshen your breath, curb your hunger, and get a pick-me-up. But please - do not share it with the rest of us.

Tacky Stuff: Current Events

Let me be clear: Michelle Obama is not tacky. I'm slightly obsessed with her fashion sense, her alma maters and how well-adjusted her children seem. I think she's smart and great. What is not smart and great is US weekly. US weekly, this week, is tacky (that is, more tacky than its normally acceptable hum of tackiness).

The problem? President Barack Obama was in this picture. He goes on the right where you see that unclaimed swatch of of white fabric. Where is he on this cover? Cabinet meeting? G8 Summit? Alfalfa club dinner? Using the White House basketball court? No. He's under Jessica Simpson's mom-jeans. US WEEKLY CROPPED OUT THE PRESIDENT TO CALL JSIMP FAT ON THE COVER OF THE MAGAZINE.

I'll repeat, the magazine cropped out the president to call a woman fat on the cover of the magazine. Its tacky to crop a man out of a family picture. Its tacky to call women fat. Its tacky to call a woman fat while publishing a wholesome article on a wholesome family. There is not enough expressions of tackiness to cover this one.